conversations with a coffee mug

feel like i am in limbo lately.

not particularly angsty, which is so unlike me.

just empty.

the void is a wide and deep expanse in my soulwhich suddenly appeared from nowhere like abiker blindsiding you as you negotiate a sharp bend.i am not even trying to fight it. i guess i really am mercurial.needing the fix to keep myself on an emotional highnow how to? with this boring life i lead?i still like those people who are capable and willingto put me in a meat grinder, but that is an entirely different matter altogether.

but i do not wish to listen to angry people anymore and borrow their hatred to further my own existence.yet i am too tired and jaded to have one of my own.am i jaded? i have lived one of the most timid lives on theplanet, both by choice and circumstance.jaded by living vicariously through others? now that is so pathetic, it is hilarious.

it might be because i have finally closed all the doors too.i have finally said everything that needed to be said to those who did matter to me. to those who made the world spin and painted the days with color.

so this is closure? i thought it would feel better than this.well perhaps being overly romantic and optimistic, i have overlooked the fact-

that it could feel like a coffin lid being shut tight.it feels like that now.the glaring absence of the renewed vigor i had expected.there is no afterglow.i am stumped and rudderless, and have no idea of how to proceed.so this is contentment? the state is alien, foreign.am i jaded, or numb, or has the work been left unfinished?is it? or have i yet again made another colossal blunder?

from the memoirs 09/22/85