dazed

"peace is when i am six feet under." dammit it may be true. i am a hair's breadth away from coming undone, unglued, unhinged. name you "uns" baby and it may very well fit me like a glove. i can't think straight, can't do sh*t, can't even write for my own pleasure.

so yes, it would not be life if it was not an arduous and extremely lengthy assf*ck session would it? yet, is it so bad to work for a little bit of sanity? for the life of me, i cannot just drop it. my adult life is like a slow motion disassembling (forced mind you), and i have caught myself hoping a lot of times that it would just explode into innumerable fragments. i have done it a few times in the past. to no avail. life has congealed, coalesced again into something horrible.

it always has been like this. im too old and too freaking tired for this sh*t. and still i climb into the treadmill like an obedient hamster.

oh yes, i have a lot be thankful for. i cant remember what they are though.

merry f*cking christmas in advance to the rest of you miserable humans too.

emptiness is a four legged word (06282006)

We were out this weekend. I was being the usual couch potato, lounging and basking in the cloudy midafternoon sky. Loved the hint of rain brewing in the horizon, and reminds me of why I prefer to stay here.

Out of the blue, I hear meows. Wtf? I look down and Aira is busily gathering four kittens like a doting mother. The insane fact about it? Aira's a shih tzu. Crazy owner, crazy dog.

Amused to the end of my wits, I return the kittens to where she got them (there were still two left in the litter, and I traced them with their cries), to Aira's obvious consternation, as she was alternating whimpering and doing that agitated face she does so well.

The matter settled, I go back to my chair to idle away the rest of the afternoon. Although she had sullenly trudged back with me, Aira was clearly distraught. To the point she wouldn't even want to jump in the pool when it started to rain in the early evening, she just kept looking at me with the "you are one humongous *sshole" look in her face.
With the Saturday pretty much ruined for both of us, I did not go back to Manila this Sunday. I spent (or rather we) the day looking for a suitable breeder. I left her there to satisfy both her amorousness and her desire to have offspring. It's been three days now, and they've been terribly lonely.

screaming spots

harbors.beaches.cliffs.a lonely stretch of hardtop. anywhere isolated.

pebbles. and my heart.

i have prevented myself from going completely bonkers in the past through it. wherever life takes me, the first placethat i look for - a screaming spot. have a few of them scattered across the unfathomable miles. some i have not seen for years, but still a part of my soul, and a part of me.

i had to one to talk to, or no one that understands before, and that became the spillway which i still cling on to, up to the present, whenever there is something i cannot say. there i let it all out, mostly ending up panting and out of breath, on allfours, clutching the ground and blinded by my tears. i have gone there with someone only one time in these almost three decades of being in this planet, although there have been a couple of people who have thanked me for bringing it up, according to these souls, having their own screaming spot kept them from the edge as well on a number of occasions.

how does it work? the two main ingredients are in the first two lines of the entry. then find time, or rather make time. ditch.play hookey. it would be good if you had a journal or the like. each stone represents whatever you want to say or get out of your system, and you hurl it with all your might as you scream your want, your intention, your hurt, your pain. it might and it will feel awkward at first, remember though that it is your time and your hurt. let it loose. let it go.and do not cheat yourself. oh by the way, cliffs might not be a good idea if it is your first time, i would not want you to jump off it if you get too intense.

so scream.and scream till there is nothing else. scream until you are empty.

Supernova and Argh!

never thought i'd go back to being a tv junkie. this contest got me hooked. never mind that it was rock dinosaurs looking for a frontman.

this woman got me. and got me good. too bad she got cut one day from the final day.

will alway be a fan. a STORM LARGE fan!